You know what’s cool about forgiveness? The freedom it gives you to start over. To try again. The glimpse of hope that you get – and then you realise that you’ve actually been existing without it, without hope, for some time now – and you wonder where, and when, it left.
I find it hard to forgive myself. I’m too arrogant, probably. Too conceited. I expect perfection of myself. Dumb, huh! But I just looked back over the last few entries on this blog and noticed their date / time stamp, and sighed. Who am I kidding, really?!! There is absolutely NO WAY ON EARTH that I could have added ‘blogging on Hmmm…’ to my life over the last two and a half months – just thinking that I could have, that I expected myself to be able to, does my head in. I’ve been just THAT incredibly busy that I only made it back to church again yesterday, for the first time in what feels like months, as well. I call it ‘survival’. Physical and emotional survival. Cut the ‘less essential’ parts of your life because if you continue, you’ll go mad. Insane. And I feel that I kinda have been, for a little while now! 🙂
But with a new day comes a new slate. A chance to start over. To forgive yourself and start afresh. So that’s what I’m going to do. Yes, I realise that I’m going to stuff up. (Perhaps I should type that sentence in capitals, to convince myself of it!) But knowing that forgiveness, as a concept, is pretty darn magnificent – means that I can start afresh again afterwards. Which is pretty darn cool if you ask me!!!
So this morning I’ve just read 1 Samuel Chapter 5. It’s where the Ark of the Covenant – the most holy of artefacts that belonged to the Israelite tribes – had been captured by the Philistines, and moved to one of their cities. But because God was trying to teach them a lesson, no matter where they moved it to, from city to city to city, trouble happened. To such an extent that there was an outcry and the people wanted it gone. They exerted such pressure on their leaders, that the Ark of the Covenant was moved away from them – and from the next city – and from the next city. I guess they realised pretty quickly what it was that was causing them such troubles, and realised a possible solution to their problems. Not the correct one though – I think that would have been ‘return the Ark of the Covenant to the Israelite tribes’ but I guess in the next chapter we’ll see that they do eventually learn this lesson. I makes me wonder though, how often it takes me to ‘learn my lesson’. When I keep moving from frying pan to fire, from rock to hard place (you get the idea) because I’m just too darn stubborn to admit that I was wrong in the first place, and need to fix the problem itself instead of trying a bandaid solution! When really, what I need to do – what makes it easier for everyone in the long run – is to take a step back, look at the problem for what it is, admit my error, and correct it. Sigh.
So. Here’s to a day where I’m going to try taking more responsibility for my actions. For the effect I have on people, especially through my words, and especially on those nearest and dearest to me, who I interact with the most. It’s Monday morning. The beginning of a brand new working (and school) week. A chance to make them happy – give my husband and kids the type of wife and mother who is supportive and encouraging, the type of person that they feel that they can springboard from into their weeks, happy and confident that no matter what happens, home (and me) is a place of comfort, of retreat, of peace, from any storm that comes their way.
Today I’m also being a Prac student with a Librarian friend. It’ll be my third time (or is it fourth?! NOTE TO SELF: get a timesheet started this morning for it!!!) and I’ve absolutely loved it so far, so I’m expecting more of the same today. She’s awesome to hang out with, and I’m learning so much about the practical side of Librarianship; and so I’m smiling as I think about the day I’m going to have today.
I hope that you, too, have an awesome day, dear reader!
— Ceridwyn